Bicuriosity: Dangerous Territory or Straight Taboo?

Today as I walked in the park, I got the first notices of Spring. The birds chirping, the children playing, even the ice cream truck performing its everlasting tune. New beginnings and warm recollections filled the air. A cute couple stopped along the path in front of me and shared intimate little kisses under the sun. She wore a smile permanently pressed against her face and he gazed into her eyes as he stroked her hair batting in the wind. They walked gleefully alongside the river hand in hand and I thought “what a wonderful pair……..too bad he’s gay”.

Now outside of his overly exerted masculine presence trying to hide his secret of yearning for the same sex, this man’s increasingly long glances at the half naked male passerby’s gave him away like free ice on a hot summer’s day. Now there is nothing wrong with a bisexual man or a man that is curious about his sexuality; however, I question whether a man who is curious about his sexuality should be allowed to continue to date either sex without being honest about his desires, who he is, and who he likes.

It is my belief that everyone’s coming out process can be varying, but for everyone there is some sense of difficulty because their lifestyle is not considered the norm in terms of the master narrative. Essentially, society teaches us from young that boys are strong, girls are sweet and they are only allowed to date each other. So feelings of dating the same sex is obviously against the “norm” and can lead to an emotional weight that can be so heavy it can cripple its occupier and eventually lead to the destruction of all the relationships that person may have.

I have experienced that men who are trapped in their desires of who they want intimately can allow the weight of their desires to weigh on them so heavily that they sometimes become abusive, both emotionally and physically. Check back to RiRi 2Ways to get an understanding of a man with whom I had a first hand experience of how his desires can become abusive to others.

From the beginning of our relationship my suspicions of his desires were present. I waited for him to be honest with me, and probably that’s the cause of why I allowed his ridiculous behavior to continue. A part of me knew he was acting out because there was something he was battling within. But I didn’t mind so much because hey, he was everything I thought I wanted in a man so I allowed myself to be available and be there when I felt he wanted to “come clean” or “out” whichever the choice. But I felt sorry for him because his defense mechanism for life was exposing and oftentimes creating people’s shortcomings so no one would see his own insecurities; most importantly, his discomfort with his desire of being with a man. This was a “man’s man” the archetype of the strong sophisticated black man. For the Black Man, history has taken away his strength; thus, he must reclaim it by distancing himself from anything one would deem “weak”. Hence of course the homophobic antidotes were his way to ensure his manly hood. But the constant negative rants about every women being a slut or a whore, and his extremely hyper sexual behavior should have been tiny inklings to his true nature; that he was angry with himself because he desired men.

A man who is questioning his sexuality can also be dangerous because of his false sense of hope that he provides to his lovers that their respective relationships will continue. On both sides of the spectrum, if he is with a man or a woman he can be placed in a situation whereby his partners are under the assumption that they give him everything that he needs. Without taking an honest look into who he is and having conversations about where he is on his journey, he can destroy relationships due to unclear expectations. It has been my experience that bicurious men honestly don’t know if they want either of the partner’s they are involved with; but the damage is severe because the conversations are not happening because they have yet to come out to themselves.

Now although questioning one’s sexuality has become increasingly apparent in today’s society, with the remnants of the past still looming over gender roles, it is still an arduous task for those who involve themselves with sexually curious partners. But the owness remains with the bicurious or bisexual man. He has all the power to either engage or not for he is the one on the journey. But let me be clear,  I am not saying that in the closet bisexual or bicurious men should not date nor am I discouraging people from dating as I do find it a process for all people to find out what they like and what they don’t like. However, I do question whether people who have crucial self identity issues and have not made it clear to their partners,  should engage in relationships . What do you think?

~ by shytsngigglz on April 28, 2009.